I hadn't realised until my granddad pointed it out but I haven't actually updated this travel blog of mine since the fifth of October. A small eternity in the world of globe-trotting...(Picture 1 - Meaw and experiencing the singular glee of riding an elephant across a raging river torrent...did I say glee? I meant quiet terror)
...but then again, I've not done much traveling, since rocking on up to the primo city of Lanna, Chiang Mai, once a country in it's own right before absorption into modern day Thailand.
Why? Huh! That's a story in itself. And, in the spirit of honesty, I'll blog it like a blog...er... rather than in email, because my foggies back home already know the jist, and it's just the rest of you lovelies, loners and undesirables who don't know what's going on. And may not even care! But I'm going to blog it anyway, for posterity's sake. (Picture 2 - A quick snap up the valley from the back of our own jumbo)Thankfully, I've got some time to kill whilst my better half finishes work next door, kneading the kinks and knots from sweaty, hairy farangs' backs, legs and goodness knows what else! It's a fortunate thing I'm the understanding and supportive type, else a body might be prone to jealousy. Reports of myself glaring menacingly at passing potential customers who eye my sweetie with a lecherous eye are unfounded and probably exaggerated. Probably
But I'm getting well ahead of myself. When last most of you heard from out hero - that would be me - I had just arrived in Chiang Mai, having met a fine young lass here in Big CeeEmm, who I found charming, entertaining and more than a little pretty.
But what, I hear you ask, happened next? Weren't you supposed to be spending a few days in Chiang Mai, then returning to Koh Samui, to pick up the adorable Oh, before whisking her away to strange lands and stranger delights?
Er....well...that had been the plan, yes....
Needless to say, though, the plans of mice and men often go awry. Or something like that. I was too busy laughing at Steinbeck's hokum to remember the Burns quote in school.
So, here I am, still in Chiang Mai. I do actually plan to leave next week, not for Laos or Cambodia but rather the UK. Yet, once again, I get ahead of myself.
Now, you'll have to bear with me because the last two weeks have been something of euphoric and sleepless blur of wanton abandon, meaningful conversations and acts that are probably illegal in most civilised nations. And that was just at meal times!
When I left you, I was just back from taking Meaw out for the day, who at that point was a good friend who nonetheless filled me with feelings of glee, happiness and desire. At the time, I as merely greatful to have my mind taken off Oh, my island-dwelling poppit of the south.(Picture 3 - An elephant brings the tools of his trade to the stage)
We spent the morning of the 5th of October riding elephants, as one does, after taking in an show that featured....elephants painting?! Yes, elephants painting an stacking logs and generally frolicking for a crowd of slack-jawed farangs, one rather terrified Meaw and myself, grinning both at her and the adorable hephalumps. The only thing separating the stage from the audience was a few solid logs...which would prove no obstacle to a rampaging grey menace. Thankfully, the beauties on show were interested only in reaching over the barrier for delicious treats of bananas and sugar cane.
(Picture 4 - An elephant...painting with a brush! Like a filthy farang tourist, I laughed with giddy and mildly retarded amazement. Oh, hypocrisy, thy name is Jamie!)
After this, with some persuasion by me, I managed to coax, cajole and push Meaw onto an elephant. Without further ado, we were off liketed mahout - were just happy to be rolling - and bumping and shuddering, where's the bloody suspension on this beast?! - through jungle, paddy and river, alike. Well, I and the elephant were. Meaw was filled with no small amount of fear, of the great beast beneath us, and the sight of it's inquisitive trunk reaching back toward us in hope of a banana or two was enough to send her squealing and hiding in the comforting depths of my armpit. I'd like to thank the FCUK corporation for their dedication to reducing and even eradicating human stink in even the most tropical and sweaty of climates.(Picture 5 - This is actual a picture I took of the framed picture that Meaw bought that day. She looks great in it. The elephant looks great. Our man Mahout looks great. I look predictably terrible.)
Needless to say, with a generous tip, I had our man, Mahout (I forget his name, so Mahout will have to do), take plenty of pictures of us, as you can probably see if I've put the pictures up yet.
After being dropped off like lambs to the slaughter at an "authentic" hill tribe market, after an hour or so of leisurely and often painful riding, and after I had bought some trinkets for Oh, Meaw and I boarded an ox-drawn carriage that would have looked like some Britannian chariot were it not for the great frilly sun-umbrella atop it. I did learn from the ride back to the elephant camp that in order to drive cattle, all you really need is a long, pointy stick. This information will prove useful one day, mark my words!
(Picture 6 - An elephant roaring in rage! Oh no, our driver has run away! Save me, Jamie Meaw cries!..Ok, so the hephalump is actually just reaching back for the sugar cane in my lap but whatever, I'm a hero nonetheless, dammit!)
With Meaw grinning from ear to ear - this was her first day out in almost four years, since being reduced to a single mother, caring for not only her son but her poverty-stricken parents - and I in turn was beaming to have played some small part in that happiness, for truly her pleasure was something to behold and belove.Oh! And went on a bamboo raft! I completely forgot about that.
(Pictures 7 and 8 - Chilling on the bamboo raft, poling down the river. Meaw had a go at it. I chickened out. The raft wasn't very stable, ok! I wasn't scared!)
Later, after snagging another lift from Meaw's friend - or brother, as she calls her male friends. Guess what she calls her female aquaintances? - we cruised over to the next tourist trap; the snake farm! If you want snakes, ohhh, fuggetaboutit
(Picture 9 - A couple of king cobras poised to strike)Or rather, lethargic, broken and probably dead snakes. There were hundreds of serpents at the place and most, sadly were in various states of dying and death. Only a few of the reptiles still showed signs of spirit. One of which was a rather large Burmese python which, were it not for some chicken wire, would have had me by the throat, when it lunged at me, as I leaned in for a closer look....and then leaned in once more...
(Picture 10 - The snake handler about to give a cobra a nice big kiss...yes, really)
Whilst peering into a pit of vipers that writhed most convincingly in the hot afternoon sun, Meaw and I heard the most terrifying sound a person can hear, when strolling around a snake farm. In my ear, I heard a hiisssssssss, so close I could feel the hot breath of wickedness on the back of my neck.
Meaw screamed. I shrieked. The snake-handler who had crept up behind us laughed, as only a Thai can, quickly followed by good-humoured Meaw and myself - now in need of new underwear. THe show was about to begin, he informed us.
What show? we asked.
The snake show, of course.
bobbing and playing with cobras - of the royal variety - swimming with pythons, clapping snakes to sleep and throwing the dreaded "jumping snake" - see, bit of rope - into the audience.
(Picture 11 - A particularly vicious looking tree snake! It's not poisonous, though)
All to the dubiously enthusiastic but nonetheless entertaining commentary of one of theWhat followed was a ten minute performance straight out of the Carny Book of Olde Timey Entertainments and Oddities. Snake handlers kissing cobras, twirling cobras, dancing and feather-haired announcer; "pow! Watch out snakeman! Oh very dangerous! OH kiss the snake, fall in love snakeman! WOW! Watch out snakeman! Etc! Etc!" and so on. I even got to pet the cobra, if only to impress Meaw with my bravery, quite safe in the belief that these serpents had long since had their fangs removed...
In order to prove their prowess, the snake handlers then milked the venom from the cobra, and I watched with some disquiet as the creature's teeth bit into the gauze of a jar, and milky liquid ran into the glass container. I'm sure it was just saliva, though...I'm sure the cobra's venom sac had long since been removed....probably...
Our final stop of the day - and with a sleepy Meaw seeking respite from the heat and tiring exploits of the day, in the comfort of my lap - was the monkey training school. It's the premier station of learning for our simian cousins wishing to enter the field of Law.(Picture 12 and 13 - A monkey giving me the finger with one hand and waving to Meaw with the other. The same monkey about to make the three-pointer. The handler threw the ball to the monkey a bit hard after this, much to the monkey's annoyance, who promptly slammed it back in the face of the handler rather than going for the net. Epic.)
However, most of the students are trained for the fair more interesting field of coconut harvesting. I'm sure you'll remember - though probably not - my sighting on Koh Samui of an ape riding the back of a truck full of coconuts. Well, here was the place where Chiang Mai schooled it's own crop of farmers. I forget their names but I'm sure you can see from the pictures that the little poppits were adorable, like clapping seals or clicking dolphins. Yes, they were showmen, these monkies, almost certainly bored and driven insane by captivity...but they sure were funny, I'm ashamed to say.
(Picture 14 - A monkey riding a tricycle, whilst carrying a parasol. Naturally. The tourists lapped it up. I merely sat there fuming at the travesty against Mother Earth's treasured children. The slack-jawed grin on my face was merely for show. Honest)
At least I fed them some juicy tomatoes and carrots. I also discovered the Thai announcer had gone to school in none other than Cardiff University. That certainly blind sided me, though I had little time to chat, since Meaw's and my own bellies were growling at this point, having skipped the exorbitantly priced lunch buffet at the elephant camp (can you tell I was paying?). The pictures tell more than I could ever write, really, so I'll let them do the talking. As it stands, I need to be going, to pick up Meaw from work.
As I said, theres a lot to tell that has happened during my blogtastic hiatus. But it will have to wait for another day.
(Picture 15- Meaw and I getting our picture taken )
Goodnight all,
Jamie
x
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