To the edge of the World and back PART 1

(Picture 1 - Destination Laos)

Meaw and I were entwined and enraptured by one another, well and truly now, as the month of October sped along beside us.

I was still in residence at the prolifically botanical Gap's House but I was rarely using the place to sleep, anymore. Instead, I shunned my spacious and air-conditioned room, with it double bed, hot water shower, flush toilet and cat-swinging accomodating openness for Meaw's room.

Anyone who has watched Oz or Prisoner Cell Block H or even The Shawshank Redemption can quickly garner my meaning when I say convicts have better living arrangements than Meaw. Exaggeration? Not by much!

My room here in Blighty is certainly bigger than her room (which includes a shower room - no warm water - with a squat toilet). It has been her home for about three years now and she even misses it when away from it; I suppose there's no place like home. Frankly, I was glad when we moved to a new room in later days, so that I could spare the two of us anymore cold showers, sweltering nights and "EH AWWWWWW!!" - ing giant geckoes outside the window at 4am. I realise a fellow's got to get his game on, see if there be any girly girls on the lookout for a scaly young stud with the biggest tail in the Hood...but must you do it at such an unholy hour, sir!?

But I digress on a gecko that shall one day find himself looking down the barrel of my camera lens.

Where was I?

Ah, Meaw's room! Yes! Very small! We would not be staying in it for much longer, though.

With some convincing on my part, Meaw agreed to take some time off work - a whole three days, no less! - and we were going to....

....well, we hadn't got that far yet.

I should point out that my Oriental darling was so reluctant to take time off, simply because she had only been working at Lucky's Massage - named after it's lolita-like matron, by her creepy middle-age Afrikaans boyfriend, no doubt - for only a little longer than she had known me. She was rather worried about losing her job, you see. I concede that it doesn't look good for the new girl to take a week off after only working for a fortnight. Still, I wanted more Meaw-time, dammit!

Anyway, we had the time. Now we needed a destination. Meaw knew that Laos had been on my original - and I use the term very loosely - itinery. She wasn't quite sure why I wanted to go to Laos, and neither was I, to be honest. I'd simply heard great things about the rustic and secluded place, from other travellers. Meaw herself had never been and quickly caught my contagious enthusiasm for the place, as she poured over the pictures in my guide book and listened to me babble animatedly about my desire to find a place beyond the reach of so-called civilisation.

(Picture 2 - A bit of Gap's House guesthouse)

So, in the time it takes for her big - and I mean big - kettle to boil some water up for the first cup of the day, which happens to be a bloody long time, we decided to go to Laos.

That's a silent S at the end of 'Laos', by the way, for the ignorant and the indifferent amongst you. Just so you know.

Truth be told, I had only the vaguest idea of where Laos was, in relation to Chiang Mai and I imagine Meaw was not much better off. She did know that we could get there from the bus station, though, so that seemed like a good start.

So, off we went!....

...except, my bags were not in Meaw's room. They were back at Gap's House. So, planning on a short detour, we headed there first, aback her trusty motorcycle.

We had risen early - once in a blue moon event, even when she had to work. Lazy girl! - that day, determined to be well on the way to Laos by mid-morning. By the time we arrived at Gap's House, it was about seven thirty, some time before the manager would arrive with his adorable duo of dogs, One and That Hairy One, and it was to be my great nemesis who greeted Meaw and I at the padlocked gate to the courtyard.

The Caretaker! If my chest had been a cannon, I would have shot my heart upon him!

Well, now that I've got the theatrics out of the way, I will say that mean old bugger was certainly a character. It was he who poured the gallons of water upon the lush and verdant greenery of the guest house, irregardless of guests getting soaked, it was he who swept the paths and spied through the windows at Meaw and I canoodling and it was he who, smoking quietly in the dark, waited as gate-keeper for late stragglers to arrive back at the guest house in the wee hours of the morning.

And by stragglers, I mean me. Usually a little drunk, before Meaw taught me the errors of my merry and often melodious ways. Nonetheless, after being locked out by the old coot on more than one occasion, having lost track of time and gone to get some late supper with Meaw more often than not, I made my residence at her room more permanent. I would have checked out of Gap's House sooner and saved myself some cash but Meaw's place is simply too small for herself, meself and me bags. For our trip, now, though, it would do. We planned to get my bags, stash them in her room, pack some clothes into a couple of smaller ones, and head off for strange new lands!

Old Man Misery waddled up in his trademark grey shirt and shorts, mumbling to himself, whiskery chin on his chest as he searched for the right key amongst his impressive and wholly authentic ring of gaoler keys. With more grumbling, he opened the gate a smidgen, allowing me through. I flashed him a thankful grin, nodding my thanks and strutted off toward my room. With uncharacteristic forethought on my part, I had paid my room tab the night before, and kept my key, knowing Meaw and I would be leaving early, well before the manager and his ledger were open for business.

(Picture 3 - A bit of Meaw )

Turning to wrap my arm around my darling's slender shoulders, I found her still on the far side of the gate, talking animatedly with the old man.

"Meaw? Coming?" I asked.

"I can't. He won't let me in" she replied, frowning slightly, and rumaging about her bag for ID.

"Why?" Good humoured bemusement rather than annoyance began to creep into my voice, as I returned to the gate, to stand beside the old man, who cast me a surly glance, shaking his head at Meaw, and saying simply "No!".

The old man grumbled something in Thai, which Meaw translated for me.

"He says it not safe for you to have me in room. Not allowed." She handed the old man her ID, which he scutinised with squinted eyes, furrowed brows and pursed lips. " He think I'm lady bar"

My first reaction was to laugh out loud, much to the startlement of the Old Buzzard. That was, until I realised what Meaw was saying and what the old man's assumptions were.

A 'lady-bar' is what Meaw, in her idiosyncratic and ever-so-endearing English calls a bar girl. A bar girl is a Thai girl who spends her nights in bars, unsurprisingly, with the aim of buttering up the farang patrons, and - for a price - going back to the tourists' room for some carnal shenanigans. These girls make a profession out of this nightly activity, make a lot of money from it and are almost always outnumbering the patrons in the bars, especially in the bars just down the street from Meaw's massage shop.

One need only to walk past the bar front and they will call out to any appropriate farang man - such as myself - trying their darndest to intice one in. They are another sad aspect of Thai culture, spawned from tourist, rather than local, tastes. A great many of Meaw's friends have become 'lady-bars' to make ends meet, or simply out of greed. Her boss, Lucky - the walking doll, I mentioned earlier - was a bar girl when her boyfriend met her, and bought her a business all of herself, gee whizz!

It makes me shudder to think of Meaw being driven to such a change of profession. However, she has always been in dire straits, financially, well before I arrived but never lowered herself to doing such things for money. I'm sure the temptation was always there but at the end of the day, she says she could not live with herself, if she did such things, even if it were to feed and clothe her son. One more reason why I adore her so.

Anyway! At this point, my temper flared briefly, until the sheer obsurdity of the situation hit me.

"Oi! You cheeky old sod! She's not some hooker! That's my bloody girlfriend, you're talking about! I oughta' sock you one!" It might have had more effect if the old chap could understand more than a scattering of English. It might have carried some measure of menace, if I had not been stifling laughter and wholly-manly giggles as I went on my brief tirade.

At the end of the day, it was classic Thai calm that won through, as the old caretaker finished scrutinising Meaw's ID and, with great reluctance, let my girl through.

This was not the first time she had been to my guest house room, of course, but before now, there had been some sneakiness involved in smuggling her in, and facing a padlock, I was flummoxed. I had left my lockpicking tools in my other trousers. Naturally.

We made it to the room, picked up my bags, became somewhat distracted, sought out our clothes, and set off again. It was eight thirty but things were still proceeding according to plan.

...and then the nausea hit.

Whilst she did not turn green, as we made our way back to her room, Meaw did look decidedly ill, as we packed our traveling clothes, consumables and comforters. A combination of nerves, bad papaya salad (oh, bloody hell, I'll tell you about her love of that heinously spicy stuff in a later blog) and still vivid thoughts of our last expedition together, sent Meaw running for the toilet and had her quiet and decidedly queasy as we reached the bus station.

(Picture 4 - Chiang Saen, and beyond! )

To make matters worse, the place was packed solid. Not liking my chances of looking like a monk, we passed their reserved and spacious seats - lucky monks! - and squeezed in amongst the rabble.

Thais. Farang. Everybody, no matter creed, colour or wealth, used the bus, it seemed. In between deep breaths, Meaw pointed me in the direction of the right desk, to buy our tickets. Apparently, we were destined for a place called Chiang Saen, up North. That sounded about right to my vague recollection of a south-east Asian map. Chiang Mai was north. Somewhere more northerly, should be Laos. Great. Sorted. Gimme ticket!

Queuing up, and casting worried glances back at a hunched and thoroughly sorry-looking poppit fighting against the urge to upchuck her morning coffee, I shuffled ever forward. Beside me, an Australian with the biggest calf muscles I've ever seen asked me if I spoke English. I replied, I had been known to speak it from time to time, with classic British wit. He seemed more relieved than amused, carrying the look of a stranger in a strange land as if it were a kabuki mask. He asked if this was the queue for the bus to Chiang Rai. I told him I had not the slightest clue, helpful as ever. Probably, though, I assured him. Not quite convinced, he thanked me anyway.

As I reached the desk, wondering what to say, an arm slid around my waist, and Meaw was beside me, speaking in Thai through gritted teeth to the ticket seller.

A moment and a thousand baht - bargain! - later, we had our tickets...except they did not leave until lunchtime.

With a collective groan, seeing the clock on the wall strike 9am, we decided to head back to Meaw's room. It would get us somewhere quiet and maybe Meaw could sleep off her sickiness. Truth be told, at this point, I wondering if we should be travelling at all. She obviously was not up to what would turn out to be a six hour bus journey.

I told her as much as she was flaked out on her bed, with me beside rubbing her belly. Always the stalwart trooper, though, she declared that we would be going to Laos. Despite much protesting that I would be just as happy to spend the three days off in Chiang Mai with her, Meaw used some of her imfamous stubborness and, even in her unfortunate state, managed to wear me down.

We were going to Chiang Saen, dammit! Even if the inside walls of the bus ended up sprayed liberally with Nescafe-flavoured vomit!

After an hour's snoozing, we headed back once more to the bus station, boarded our coach - a plush and luxurious steed, to our relief - and set off for Chiang Saen, and beyond!

What followed was a seemingly never-ending slog up and down mountainsides, occasional stops for roadside snacks of candied tamarinds (just like dates, huge stones and delicious!) and cookie biscuits - "You eat so many, why you not fat, Jamie?" Meaw would ask whenever I opened yet another bag - and a lot of sleeping.

My sweetie spent most of the time asleep, seeking escape from the roiling in her tummy and the pounding in her head. I spent most of the journey awake, feeling somewhat guilty for being the one to suggest this long journey to a girl I knew to suffer considerably from motion sickness. True she had pills for it but still...

(Picture 5 - The mighty Mekong river, as seen in every single VietNam movie ever made)

It was early evening when we reached the little town of Chiang Saen and, despite the trials - for Meaw, at least - of the journey, we both quickly realised that we had come to the right place. It was, to put it succintly, idyllic.

(Picture 6 - Our guest house in Chiang Saen...I think it was called Gyp's Guesthouse...)

Next time, Chiang Saen in detail! And the Golden Triangle! And, of course, Laos! Sort of!!

- Jamie

Oh, dear

Oh, dear, indeed!

A dog, a bastard, a scoundrel, a wretch, an utter shit, a playboy.

These are some of the evocative names I was given shortly before and shortly thereafter telling Oh the truth about my activities in Chiang Mai. The words came strong and harsh and I deserved them every one. I know because I was the one doing the labelling. Well, except that last one. That was Meaw's. She is still convinced - somewhat lightheartedly - that I have a woman in every town across Thailand and a bevvy of beauties waiting here in England.

Unfortunately, due to the language and culture gap, I was unable to explain to her that the last redheaded playboy was Lord Byron in the middle of the nineteenth century. And that's not because he had red hair; it's because he was a poet, a born Lothario, a champion of the Greek independance movement and an aristocratic rogue. Not because he was a redhead. That was merely sauce for the goose!

Anyway, as can be expected, I could not easily explain this to Meaw but needless to say, I have more to worry about her, a beautiful Thai girl surrounded by naked rich white farang all day than she does about me, in rural Norfolk, where the average age of top totty seems to be 45+. And not one of them Asian!

But, as always, I digress. I think I was supposed to be talking about Oh, the dainty little sweetie from Koh Samui?

Yes. Yes, I was.

So without more stalling for time nor pining over my beloved Meaw, I shall begin.

Oh. Oh is a masseuse, working in the tourist-trap town of Lamai. At least she was the last I heard from her. I'm assuming she hasn't turned to the bottle, now.

If ever you want to see a den of inequity, hedonism and gluttony, look no further than the little strip of shops, restaurants, bars, tailors, travel agents, hotels and massage parlours that makes up the entirety of Lamai. I can scarcely imagine what the town looked like before the tourists and their deepest desires arrived. It was probably a handful of wood and thatch huts, a few fishing boats and a mangy dog. Not too dissimilar to North Lopham. And Lamai kept the dog.

There is nothing in Lamai that the average Thai would want. The food is too expensive and too farang. The hotels are too expensive and filled with farang. The tailors, bars, travel agents; none cater to the indigenous population. It is fortunate then, that these very people who cannot afford what Lamai has to offer, are the ones doing the selling.

What Oh was selling was something that a great many tourists - solely male - were looking for.

An oil massage from a pretty girl in a private little room beneath dim lights clouds of incense.

I had walked past Oh's shop every day of my time on Koh Samui; not because I was hmm-ing and hah-ing over whether or not to go, you understand but rather because it was one the main drag, for all to see, to peruse and use. Without fail, one of the decidedly bored-looking masseuses out front would holler in my direction as I strolled, sauntered and scurried past, on my way to a bar or restaurant or internet cafe or bar. Sometimes it was Oh. Sometimes it was this overly amorous girl who would look quite the peach if you turned the lights down low enough and looked in the direction of her surprisingly - for an Asian... girl - ample cleavage and not her face. More than once, she did grab me by the arm and attempt to physically drag me into the glow of pink neon that affronted the shop, and into the smokey depths within. I resisted.

However, it was on the final night in Koh Samui, that I, James Stephen Ashfield - Jamie to his contemporaries - stepped beyond the light of virtue and healthy living, into the shadowy and rather seedy realm of the unknown, more commonly called Koh Samui's massage parlours. I got my first massage.

(I should state at this point that there are two kinds of massage parlour in Thailand. There is the clean, decent kind where no naughtiness takes place - in the shop, at least - and then there are the other kind. Before you ask, Meaw works in the good kind of place, and is the good kind of girl. Oh worked in the other kind of place. On with the blog! )

Not just any massage, mind you. This was with oil and nakedness and everything of the sort! Heavens to Betsy! Oh, my word! What would my dear old - figuratively speaking, of course! - mum say? Well, I imagine I'll find out in short order, once she reads this here blog.

Anyway! I made this decision whilst collapsed on the beach, half-way between Lamai and a alcohol-induced coma...er ...I mean, between Lamai and my bungalow. With some choice and rather coarse words of encourage for myself and a few slaps across the face in the near perfect darkness, I staggered to my feet, declaring to the shadowy figures happily walking hand in hand along the beach before and ahead of me "Eh guh oh min one leef!"

Translation: You only live once.

Especially on Koh Samui. So, with some small amount of reorientation, I headed back toward the gaudy red and green lights of Lamai a half mile down the beach.

And then promptly turned around again.

And then headed back toward Lamai.

As cowardice, decency and curiosity got into a right royal rumble inside my drowsy and decidedly delerious head, I manage through some small miracle to make it back to Lamai, working up my nerve as I walked past massage parlour after massage parlour, until one grabbed me by the proverbials and forced me inside.

That one eventually turned out to be Oh's place, right across the street from Max's shop; the ever so enthusiastic tailor who declared every shirt I wore to be "beautiful, baby!" His associate, Mr Jhon, saw me come to a halt outside the parlour, I saw him laugh and give me a grinning wink and I laughed back, giving him a cheerful wave. That was it. There was no turning back now.

Which was fortunate, because my arms at this point had already been ensnared by the big-boobed, buck-toothed masseuse who seemed quite unable to take her hands off me whenever I entered groping range.

Thankfully, whatever powers in the cosmos are out there decided to take an interest. For, no sooner had the mascara-laden Medusa started to slide her purple nailed fingers southward - we were still on the street at this point, remember - than did Oh appear, like a diminutive angel, or at the very least, a pixie, to save me. Resplendant in a pink halter-top and short-short ensemble, she was like...well, an angel. Dammit, where's my thesaurus?!

Yes, she did indeed save me from what could have been an uncomfortable and wholly terrifying - perhaps even painful - first massage.

"Come with me" she giggled in English that seemed perfectly accented to sound both impish and seductive, all the better to garner better tips, I'm sure.

I followed, the alcohol in my system battling alongside heavy duty medication to overcome my quiet anxiety and rising heartrate.

I followed the little Thai woman, who probably weighed ninety pounds soaking wet, as she did glide into the shop, shaking her bum with practiced fluidity. On the way, we passed a couple of heavily overweight madams counting money and gossiping in rapid Thai. They did not so much a spare Oh and I a look. We passed curtained beds and at the rear of the place, a corridor extended deeper into the gloom, and I saw scantily clad women coming and going.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it - probably because I was so drunk - but there was something about this place that reminded me of the Wild West. And there was something about the girls that did not really say masseuse but rather...

...I shan't go on. I shall assure you that nothing untoward happened behind curtain number two but she did meet me for coffee the next morning. We spent the day together. And then I left the next morning.

She was a nice girl. Fun. Sexy. She might be worth coming back to Koh Samui for, or better yet, taking with me on my travels; a prospect she was very enthusiastic about.

I had every intention of doing just that.

Until I met Meaw.

Meaw was something else. Where Oh was nice, Meaw was the paragon of kindness. Where Oh was fun, Meaw laughed and made me laugh until we were both in tears. Where Oh was sexy, Meaw was a goddess.

In short, Meaw outshone Oh in every department.

And more than anything else, Meaw was a good girl. Oh was not. On more than one occasion, she alluded to what was expected and what she was often paid to do for her customers, no questions asked. It was a unsavoury aspect to her life and one that I was eternally relieved to hear that Meaw herself never so much as considered, despite her need for money to support family and son.

No one was forcing Oh to do this - as far as I knew - and I highly doubt she subject to the kind of life Meaw lives yet still she did those things. My darling, on the other hand, is faced with temptation to make quick and copious amounts of money only at the cost of her dignity most days, when the filthy tourists she deals with whisper that they want something extra besides the usual massage. And that, I think is one of the reasons why Meaw is so dear to me, why I hold such love and respect for her. It is the stronger person who faces temptation and resists than the person who is never tempted at all.

It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about her being asked to do such things, and if I thought her a lesser woman, I would never be able to be with her. Yet I know and have seen what kind of person she is. Her honesty and integrity is unparalleled, made all the more precious because of what she faces in a profession where some customers expect more than decency would suggest. Should any customer speak too loudly in my presence, there will be blood on the street of Chiang Mai. As you will see in later blogs, this very nearly came to pass. But I am getting ahead of myself.

And this isn't a blog about why Meaw is the strongest woman I've ever met. It's about my breakup with Oh, the girl I 'dated' for a day, made promises to for a week, and betrayed in the blink of an eye.

Meaw and I were at the salon at the time, as seen in the previous blog. She was getting poked and prodded in the head by some mysterious, hissing contraption that only women could possibly hope to identify, Naed was leafing through hairstyle magazines and I was asleep on the couch.

And then my phone buzzed on the coffee table, waking me and gaining Meaw's attention.

"Oh, your girlfriend call from Phuket, eh, darling?" she said, impishly. It is something of a running joke between us - at my expense - that she would constantly refer to Oh as my "girlfriend" despite the fact that Meaw and I were firmly together at this point.

"Koh Samui" I replied through gritted teeth, wrinkling my nose at her in mild annoyance. I had told her innumerable times the previous night that I only had eyes for her, and that Oh was never in the running, ever since I had first met Meaw. She knew this but she was not going to let me off the hook so easily.

"Ah, best call her back, quick quick!" Meaw laughed. Beneath the surface, though, I heard, felt, sensed worry in her voice. At this point in our relationship, my dear poppit was still unsure of her place in my life, quite convinced that she had allowed herself to become just another conquest for the lothario farang she knew only as Jamie. This problem has since been rectified but at this point, she was still a worrier...(I'm the one who worries nowadays, so far from Chiang Mai)

Where was I?

Oh right! The call!

"I'm going to call her. Tell her it's over between us" I said firmly, to no one in particular. The stylists ignored me. Naed read on. Meaw just smiled at my reflection in the mirror, trying to look nonchalant and almost pulling it off. I made for the toilet.

Once inside the tiny room, decorated in shells and frogs and corals and pebbles, I dialed Oh's number, listening absently to the babbling brook fountain bubbling out of the floor.

"Hello? Jamie? Ahahaha!" Oh exclaimed in enthused excitement, as she did whenever I called. "When do you come back to Koh Samui?"

"Oh" I said, steadying my breath, determined not to break and run, as the coward in me so very much wanted to do. "I need to tell you something"

"Hmm?" she replied, confusion in her voice and that psychic understanding that we all have when we know, know, we're about to get some bad news.

"I'm seeing someone else." I stated, a little too forcefully, before continuing, refusing to lose momentum and draw out the inevitable. "It's over between you and I."

Oh did not say anything.

"I'm a terrible person, Oh" I said, exorcising my guilt with self-deprecation "I am a dog and you deserve someone much better than me. It's ok to hate me, Oh. I need you to hate me. I've treated you horribly and you need to hate me"

"I don't hate you" was all Oh managed to say, quietly, shellshocked. I had promised this girl everything, an adventure, a new life. I had broken that promise and relegated her back to a life I would not wish upon anyone. I was a dog, a bastard, a scoundrel, a wretch and an utter shit. Yet all Oh could say was,

"I don't hate you. You made me happy. I don't mind what you do. Come back to me, Jamie. I don't mind."

I had just cheated on Oh, had confessed my sins...and she still wanted me back.

Perhaps she was desperate for the money I could give her. Perhaps she was desperate for some company that wasn't paying for her attentions. Perhaps she had set her hopes on me taking her away from that life. I suppose I'll never know. A week or so later, I lost my first Thai sim card, whilst giving money to a begger woman, my damnable phone breaking into bits on the hard concrete of the sidewalk. I lost all contact with Oh because of that goodwill gesture.

"I have to go now, Oh" was all that I could manage to say and "Ok" was all that she could whisper in reply.

I left the toilet and Meaw looked at me with a sad smile on her lips, perhaps wondering if I had really done it, or, maybe, if she would get a call like that one day.

I walked over to her and kissed her upon the forehead, took a long swig of her coffee and smiled with genuine joy at the sight of Meaw's beautiful face. "It's done. No more Koh Samui. Only Chiang Mai"

Meaw did not say anything, simply stroking my arm soothingly, as she always does when she knows I'm stressed.

And that, boys and girls, was how the Oh situation was resolved. I text messaged her several times afterwards to check she was ok. She replied often with pleas to come back, talk of insomnia and crying. After a week or so, she seemed to be overcoming her loss of the guy she knew for just a day, and then, as I've said, I lost contact due to the fates, a beggar woman and a slippery phone. She's a pretty girl, she's a smart girl; she'll find someone else. And hopefully, she'll forget she ever met that redhaired farang in October of '07.

I made the right choice. I don't regret it in the slightest;

Meaw is my sun and stars, and it is fair to say that I live each day for her, now. I only wish I had not hurt poor Oh in the course of realising that fact.


By the way, I promise the next blog won't be so melacholy! It has snake whiskey in it! And Meaw in shorts! Huzzah!

The five hour haircut, the tattooed eyebrows, the sickly Thai girl and the holy mountain with puke on it

A week ago, I was saying goodbye to Bangkok, to Thailand and Meaw for the yawing eternity of two and a half months, the memory of phantom fingers in my hand, her face still echoing somewhere behind my eyes and the scent of her hair still strong and heady in my nose. I was going home; to make - and bring back - money, to kill time until quieter times, to let her work as she so desperately needs to in order to support her family. She cried, I cried and oaths and promises to wait and return were made, and we parted ways for a little while.

It has been a very long week and a half. For over five years, I effectively withdrew from public viewing, shying away from the rest of the populace. Never in all that time did I feel as lonely as I have in this past week, eight thousand miles from Meaw. It is fair to say, I have been moping. Having said that, I had been moping for about ten years now, until I arrived in Thailand. And that was full-fledged, medically treated moping. This is just general pining. So, there's still hope of a smile on any given day.

Every day since I left Thailand, I have worked furiously to distract myself from that distance of time and space, doing anything that will occupy my time. I have a job interview later, for a full time (I think...) position in the Morrisons' warehouse. That should serve to keep my mind occupied....

....

....well, at least I'll be making some money. Once I get a weekday job sorted, I'll seek out a weekend one, I think. The more money I make here, the greater mine and Meaw's freedom will be in Chiang Mai next year. Besides, my savings could do with some serious resuscitation. I still don't quite fathom how I managed to burn through $@£! pounds in a month. One of life's little mysteries, I'm sure.

Anyway, you did not start reading this to hear me complain. You started because you wanted to read about sweaty hijinks and adventurous shenanigans of dubious sincerity. That and an innate human curiosity to see how things happened... and if anything was broken, bitten, squashed, squished, mashed, burned or bruised in the process.


(Picture 1 - Meaw at the salon. Who let those damn papparazzi in here?!)


Now, where were we...

The days that followed would prove to be something of a blur to me, with the memories awash in caffiene, alcohol and a certain kind of giddiness usually reserved for public school boys.

However, I remember one day in particular.

The day after.

It was a day a smile, to grin in the face of a woman who was quickly making my heart her own.

It was also the day that I tested the fortitude of my character and the virtue of my conscience.

It was the day I called Oh, back in Koh Samui to confess all.

Waking from a sleepless night in an awfully cramped bed - it reminded me more of a barracks billet, actually, with bizarre Statue of Liberty sheets - in an equally cramped cell of a room, Meaw and I met the day with kisses and no regrets. Well, actually, she felt she had sinned terribly and her deceased husband was scowling down at her. To spare the melodrama, though, I can report that I have since convinced her that any good husband - which he was by all accounts - would want his widow to be happy. And she is. But I digress. Where were we?

Ah yes, no regrets. After two cups of instant Nescafe and the coldest shower I have ever taken, we set off for the salon. You see, despite her poverty - I really should have taken a picture of her room... - Meaw has two 'great' vices. The first is shoes, and all I can say is thank goodness for cheap Thai knockoffs! The second is her hair.


This is fair enough, since she does indeed have particularly gorgeous hair which I am forever running my fingers through, like one of those implausibly handsome, improbably straight models in the Pantene adverts. Needless to say, I appreciate it even more now that I know what goes into making it so luxuriously silky, smooth and strokable. I did not ask if she was going to get it treated like Thai royalty out of habit or because she suddenly found herself intimately involved with someone for the first time in half a decade. I was merely pleased to spend time with her that morning, rather than saying goodbye to her at work, and whiling away the day alone until lunchtime or until she clocked off around Midnight.

(Picture 2 - Gap's House, where I spent about five nights; the upstairs restaurant in the courtyard. The word you're looking for is lush)

As we sauntered out of her residential compound, she informed me that her sister - read, friend - would be giving us a lift to the salon in a real live car! Huzzah! I wouldn't be zipping along aback her moped! Bliss!

Surprise, surprise, we were late arriving at the pickup and Naed - who I would grow to know much better as my time in Chiang Mai, and who I look forward to seeing again in January - had been waiting for some time. If Naed was annoyed with Meaw, I could not tell; since she had known Meaw for some time, I imagine she has run into my girl's rather blase attitude towards the passing of time. Well, when she's with me at least!

Only the patience of the French saved us from being marooned in Laos on the wrong side of the Mekong! Long story, I'll tell you later.

Right. Naed. A rather lovely 40-something divorcee to a predictably rich Japanese businessman, who had been overly generous in the settlement, giving his ex-wife a very fancy house just outside Chiang Mai (which I would later spend the day and evening at), a brand new Toyota (do Thai's drive any other kind of car?) and a pair of darling daughters, Mora and Nori. Again, more on those two little tykes later.

Naed also speaks about a dozen words of English. Thai? No probs. Japanese? Easy. Chinese? Sure thing. English? Not so much...

Nonetheless, through the ancient art of pointing and rudimentary sign language, Naed and I would grow to be good friends. Not just that but she would also only the second woman to cheauffeur me around aback her motorcycle (yes, she was rather mobile; she's an on-call masseuse). On the Superhighway, no less! ...without a helmet...sweet!

Anyway, Meaw, Naed and I arrived at the salon, some distance from Chiang Mai, for reasons that still escape me. There are plenty in the city walls but apparently this was the best one. More importantly, as far as I was concerned, it had a comfortable couch.

Now, at this point, I should not do Meaw a diservice. She did ask me emphatically if I really wanted to go with her to the salon. Naturally, recently smitten, I said 'Of course!' After saying it, though, some kind of Spidey-Sense began to tingle inside my skull and I asked "How long will we be there?"

(Picture 3 - More of Gap's House, in the centre of Chiang Mai', believe it or not)

"Only a couple of hours, darling"

I was placated, and I shushed the tinkling little bells inside my head, disregarding them as a simple side effect of a sleepless night.

We arrived at the salon. Meaw sat down with a magazine. Naed and I sat on the couch, and gestured at the cushions. Sleep, you say? You folks working here won't mind a great big farang snoozing on their couch? Naed simply smiled and Meaw encouraged me to get some shut-eye. So I did...

..."get me some coffee, darling?"

Opening my eyes, after all of five minutes asleep, I looked up to see a beaming Meaw, looking ever so cutesy as she swung back and forth in her chair.

"But of course, my dear Meaw!"

Stumbling outside, I followed my nose to the coffee shop next door, complete with fresh coffee beans in big jars set before the coffee machine. Fresh coffee, no less. Not that I drank the vile stuff at that point (though this would change before I left back for England), but I digress. As I pointed with practiced ease at the most impressive sounding beans, and the barista got to grinding, Naed appeared beside me, smiling as only Thais seem able to.


"You want, too?" I asked, reaching for my wallet as I pointed at the jars of java.

She shook her head, still grinning. "You like?"

It was a simple enough question that could have been directed at just about anything inside a thirty mile radius... but if I knew by now the minds of Thai women (well, a little and not much of it useful) then I knew to whom she was referring.

"Meaw? Oh, yes, very much so! I'd have left Chiang Mai long behind by now, if I didn't. She drives me crazy. In a good way!"


Naed simply continued to smile, her eyes a little blank in that classic 'Huh?' expression that Thais - and, indeed, Meaw - get when I speak much too quickly and in much too much detail.

"Um...yes!" I said again, somewhat sheepishly.

"Good!" Naed exclaimed, her grin growing even wider "Good! Come!"


Grabbing the fresh coffee and quickly reassuring the shop owner that I was not making a run for it with his cup and saucer, I headed dutifully back toward the salon, before laying down the coffee beside my queen.

(Picture 4 - A door to a room in Gap's House. Not unlike my room)

"There ya go, boss" I declared with a quick dipping bow, which earned me a smile and a slap across the backside that almost certainly constitutes sexual harassment. It was worth the thirty baht.

"My sister is going to the market. You want to go with her? I'll be here a couple of hours, darling" At this point, we had been at the salon an hour already but I was still unphased at this point.

"Sure" I said.

And then, Jamie turned to his blog readers and asked "Why am I telling you in excruciating detail about my day at the salon...where nothing happened?!

Ok, I'll skip forward five hours. Naed and I went to the supermarket. I pointed, she pointed, much foods were bought! Huzzah!

I went back to the salon. I slept on the couch for four hours! Meaw didn't eat any of the foods I bought back! I did! Huzzah!

Then Meaw had eyebrows tattooed, scalped and injected with some kind of brown or black ink. It made her cry. I held her hand. Her eyebrows just would not stop bleeding! Not-so-huzzah!

Sure did give her purdy eyebrows, though!

Next, with Naed still acting as faithful chaeffeur, we left the salon at last and headed for a sacred mountain, with an even more sacred temple atop it. Unfortunately, my camera battery was well and truly dry at this point. Worse, it was raining up the mountain. Even worse, Meaw, having forgotten her travel sickness pills for the swerving, curving and unbelievably slow trip up the sacred mountain - as well as the fact that she had not eaten properly all day - was being hit by wave after wave of nausea.

After circling the temple's impressive gold chedi three times - as ritual dictates - in the drizzles, carrying two flowers, a trio of joss sticks and a yellow candle, I half-carried, half walked Meaw back down the mountaintop, toward the carpark. We were wet, she was miserable and I was feeling decidedly useless. With regular stops for her to gulp down some fresh air, we eventually made it back to the temple's massive carpark, the rain really starting to come down and Naed nowhere in sight.

At this point Meaw dropped to her knees at the roadside, overcome by hunger, nausea and perhaps the first symptoms of the love bug. Actually, it could well have just been a fever!

(Picture 5 - A chedi, not unlike the one we saw on the wet, sacred mountain. Except that one had more gold paint. Much more! Also, it wasn't sunny. So, you could say, this chedi is nothing like that chedi. Yes, you might just say that!)

Naed eventually appeared once more, sporting a baseball cap from the temple gift shop. Apparently Thais find motion sickness to be rather amusing, since she gave a good-natured chuckle at the green tinge to Meaw's face.

And so we made our way back down the mountain, to Chiang Mai, which was nestled at it's base.

Left -swing-right. Right-swing-left. Back and forth, back and forth.

The road was nothing but hairpins, all the way down for about five miles. It was enough to make anyone sea-sick, air-sick and most assuredly car-sick. Even I was feeling queasy at the half way point. It is truly testament to Meaw's strength - or perhaps her pride - that she held on so long.

However, one moment her head was nestled in my lap, with me uselessly stroking her hair and rubbing her belly and the next she was babbling in Thai to Naed, the car ground to a halt and my poorly poppit was jumping out the door, onto the roadside.

In true gentlemanly fashion, I followed quickly with water and tissues, into the worsening tropical rains, hearing above it all, the unmistakable sound of a pretty girl retching her guts up. In a spray of bile and stomach juices - there wasn't much else, since she hadn't eaten anything all day - this sacred Buddhist mountain seemed suddenly a little less sacred.

At least Meaw felt a bit better after that, though, and it gave her enough respite to make it the rest of the way down the mountain. Naed dropped us off at my guesthouse, just as the heavens opened the pressure valve to full, and my first taste of a monsoon deluge fell upon my head, just as I was getting out of the car. To make matters worse, the mechanics of Naed's umbrella were beyond me, and I managed to turn the bloody thing inside out, much to Meaw's amusement and my chagrin. I bundled Meaw up in my waterproof, said goodbye to Naed and stumbled down the street, still trying to get the infernal contraption to open properly, despite the fact that I no longer possessed a dry nook, cranny or crevice on my entire body.

As luck would have it, a passing German farang - a mechanical engineer, no less! - offered us some help, worked some Bosch magic on the umbrella, and Hey preseto, Fritz's your uncle, the umbrella was in full working order again!

I offered my reluctant thanks, more than a little ashamed to appear the bumbling fool in front of my woman, not least because our predicament had been solved by a dastardly Hun!

This was quickly forgotten, though, as Meaw suddenly looked none-too-good once again and, with some subterfuge on my part, I bundled her into my guest house room, at Gap's Guesthouse; a rather luxurious locale, that was not only cheap but also verdantly jungle-like, ever-so-cool and spaciously roomy. Were it not for the surly old caretaker who would lock me out at night and later think Meaw a prostitute, it would have been idyllic!

But I digress on stories not yet told!

Meaw was well and truly poorly at this point. Exhausted from lack of sleep (my fault) and food (her fault!), weakened by her motion sickness (genetics fault) and shivering from the damp weather (Buddha's fault), it was all she could muster to shake off her clothes, wrap a towel about herself in true Meaw trademark modesty and crawl into my bed.

I left once she was settled, to seek out nausea medicine, but not before loading her with pills, painkillers, placeboes and yet more pills from my own special stash of superior farang medicines, poultices and potions, prepared some weeks before by my very own apothecary, my Mum.

Returning to the room, I found Meaw deep in sleep, muttering quietly and, thankfully, no longer sweating and shivering. I took a shower, seated myself in a chair beside the sleeping beauty and waited.

Several hours later, a soft yet calloused hand woke me from my slumbering slouch.

"Darling...what time?" a voice croaked in the darkness.

(Picture 6 - Meaw, the morning after, fully recovered. That monkey now watches over her, whilst she sleeps, and watches her room whilst she works. Good monkey. Don't be getting any ideas, though, chimp!)

Bleary-eyed, I peered through the gloom to see her face looking up at me. There was a vibrancy back in her cheeks and her eyes sparkled once more. The sickness had passed. "I've no idea" I replied, eyeing the orange glow of the guesthouse's courtyard lights through the mosquito nets. "About 7 or 8. How are you feeling? Hungry?"

"Mmm, sleepy" she replied, taking me by the wrist and dragging me under the bed covers.

It was one of the few nights where the two of us would sleep straight through until dawn.

It had truly been an exhausting day at the salon.

I believe all this took place on about the 6th or 7th of October, by the way. More on Naed, Meaw's motion sickness and the mean old groundskeeper in later blogs, folks.

Until then, au revoir!

- Jamie

P.S Sorry about the lack of pictures.

P.P.S In the name of honesty, I shall write this in the order in which it occurs to me. I just realised I have completely forgotten to mention my confession to Oh. It took place at the salon. In the salon's cubicle toilet, to be precise. However, I shall give it it's own blog, to be fair to the memory of what Oh once thought she had with me, and with which I betrayed her. So, look forward to that next time, folks!

The surprisingly unenviable position of a rather fickle-minded fellow

So, in the here and now, I am back in merry (read, cold and dreary) old Blighty, after travelling for three days on five hours of sleep, over eight thousand miles across continents, across deserts and oceans and mountains, with each moment, minute, step taking me further and further away from my darling Meaw. I got home on Tuesday night at Midnight. I left Chiang Mai on Sunday afternoon.

(Picture 1 - Meaw tries to make sense of what I just said to her)

I am glad to see the family again and I really did need to return to Britain, for a couple of months (for reasons that will be explained in later blogs)... but aside from necessities and niceties, I am not glad to be back in England. Only my remaining shreds of rational thoughts and the sage and steady advice of my Mum and Dad - ok, can I get a rent reduction now that you made me say that? - are stopping me from jumping back on a plane headed Chiang Mai way.

To make matters worse, Meaw is having trouble contacting me since I returned*, due to her limited understanding of emailing and the internet (she's in the process of being taught...) and I cannot reach her in any way besides the internet. Our mobiles are too far from each other. I may have given her the wrong number for my home phone (though I have given it - the definite correct one this time - again in email).

I am stressed. I am exhausted. I am jet-lagged. I am lonely. I have a pounding headache and persistent loss of equilibrium, caused - I hope - by the aforementioned jet-lagged or possibly my medication. And I also have to find a job as soon as possible to make as much money as possible in the next two and a half months (once again, for reasons to be stated later).

So, to cheer myself up - or possibly make me even more frantic and antsy - I choose to relive the past month, sharing with you the trials, tribulations and triumphs that led me to drop off the blog map and find bliss in the arms of a girl named Meaw.

(Picture 2 - Meaw eats probably the slimiest, grossest fruit in existence; it was like peeling eyeballs. Needless to say, I did not like them!)

As has been mentioned before, I had planned on staying in Chiang Mai only for a few days, to say that I had visited the city that gets such rave reviews from other backpackers (though I was hardly a backpacker now.. but also something not quite a tourist too) before zipping back down to Koh Samui and Oh.

Yet as each day passed, so Meaw and I became increasingly close.Chat. Chat. Chat. Chat. That is what Meaw and I tend to do most (or, at least, that is what we do most, in a blog suitable for my family members to read). Her idiosyncratic and wholly endearing English - which she is still working hard to be fluent in; Oh is more proficient in the language - tells a rich and meandering tale of a woman, separated from her son by distance and her husband by death, alone in the city of Chiang Mai, hundreds of miles from home. She is a poor country girl, who hates her dark skin - which I and any sane man would agree is gorgeous - and wishes she were fat. She says to be fat would be beautiful and perfect for her. If that's what makes her happy, then who am I to stand in her way? Oh, an she wants an ancient husband of sixty years. Well, actually, she doesn't say that anymore.

She spends much of her meagre amounts of spare time at temple, praying for her family and friends. But who prays for Meaw? Who cares for Meaw? She says she is not lonely and she can take care of herself. And she does. But I did not think she was truly happy. I have scarcely seen a more determined, strong and independant woman before and she is the equal or greater of most, if not all men. For all her svelte and slender size, she has a huge heart. And I think that is why I found myself falling truly, madly, deeply for her...despite the fact that my sweet Oh was waiting for me back on Koh Samui.

It was becoming obvious that something was developing between us yet neither of us could quite explain. Meaw had been living the chaste, hard-working life at the Pornping Tower Hotel - a respectable place, despite the name! - ever since she had come to Chiang Mai for work three years earlier. She had only changed jobs to a more freestyle, laidback massage shop a week before I met her. I had been thinking of only Oh on the journey North and in my few days in Chiang Mai, completely focussed on returning, lavishing her with promises of this fact.

Yet Meaw and I had gone out for noodles until 3am within an hour of meeting. Meaw never goes out to eat with customers. I don't get on the back of motorcycles with relative strangers, no matter how pretty, when there's someone out there, waiting patiently for me to return.

Yet we did.

I had been in Chiang Mai for four days, and Oh was repeatedly asking me when I would return. Four days, I had told her.

Four days were up....

(Picture 3 - Maybe I just said something witty? No, I just snapped her in her knickers.)

....and I found myself with an unexpected and rather agonizing decision to make.

Meaw or Oh?

Whilst the decision on the day of writing this is as clear and as bright as the surface of the Sun, back in those early days, a small lifetime ago, it was not so simple. Much as I would like to say my macho ego was stroked by the fact that I had two women on the go, I was instead reduced to anxious hand-wringing, sweeping waves of guilt and a general sense of being a lowly dog of a man. And not the good kind of dog but rather the type that chews the furniture, makes sweet doggie love to your neighbour's leg every morning as he dashes, futilely for his car and drags it'sbackside across the living room carpet. That's right; the bad kind of dog.

Truth be told, I was happy to find that my thoughts of infidelity made me feel wretched, if only to serve as proof that I still have an ounce of human conscience, a shred of decency in my drug-addled, internet-curdled mind. It did not stop me from pursuing Meaw, though.

So, on what may well have been - would most certainly not be, in fact - my penultimate night in Chiang Mai, I asked Meaw to help me with my decision. We found a dark corner of the massage parlour and wrapped a curtain about ourselves.

(Picture 4 - Meaw? Or Cousin It? Ididnotsaythat)

And I asked her,"Do you want me to stay?"

I knew the answer I wanted but I also knew the answer that the ever-so-virtuous Meaw would probably give...even if it was not what resided in that great heart of hers.

"You have a girlfriend in Koh Samui" she replied, refusing to look me in the eyes, as I stroked her cheek... an overly familiar move for a mere friend that she did not so much as flinch from.

"Yes..." I mumbled reluctantly "...but you know it's not that simple anymore. You know how I feel...about you"

My hands moved to her hips, moving beyond the platonic realm and into the unknown ethereal mists of fledgling intimacy. Meaw did not flinch but leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder as we knelt facing one another in the low light, amidst the quiet chatter of the parlour, the miasmic fog of incense and tiger balm and the heady sensations that one feels when standing on the brow of something wonderful.

"You should go back to your Koh Samui and forget all about me"

I heard her sniff and raised her face to mine, to see the telltale trails of tears on her cheeks.

"You know how I feel, Meaw" I repeated, through teeth clenched not in annoyance but rather to cap the frothing emotions behind my lips. "Say it. Tell me to stay."

As the seconds crawled by, I knew that I had already made my decision but I, ever the pessimist unless faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, needed to hear from Meaw that it was not a choice I would quickly curse.

Our heads rested against one another, our hands now entwined, gripping so tightly that our fingertips were the colour of bone and out joints ached in quiet agony.

Meaw's eyes were closed.

"Say it" I said quietly. It is a peculiar thing yet my heart was not pounding. It was steady and calm, quite contrary to what the poets and authors of great repute and reknown would have you believe. Maybe it was the paroxetine. I don't think so; the fact is, I already knew the truth in her heart, just as she knew what choice I would make if she only spoke - 'most selfishly', as Meaw likes to say now - the truth.

She did not open her eyes. She did kiss me, once, twice, thrice on the lips until we were inseperable. In between gasping breaths, she said, at last, a single word.

"Stay!"

And so I did.

I knew there would be problems ahead. I knew there would be obstacles. I knew things would be far from perfect.


(Picture 5 - All gussied up for work, wearing a top that caused me to have a great many embarrassing moments whilst walking around the Chiang Mai streets with her. I am powerless before her)


But in that moment, I - we! - did not care. We would face the future, fight the future, together now.

That night, for the first time in four years, Meaw shared a bed with a man. For the first time in four years, Meaw was happy. This is what she told me.

"I tell you true" she whispered, ever so solemnly, in the early hours of the morning.

I told her, I had never been so happy. I told her true.

We slept, we loved, we smiled at one another that night, when I had made one of the most agonising and certainly the most important decision of my short life. We would continue to sleep and love and smile, and live the comfortable life in the great northern city of Chiang Mai, Thailand. There would be bumps, there would be more tears, there would be separation of body - though not heart - but we would endure.

Meaw and I were together.



*trouble has since been resolved! Huzzah! Chiang Mai isn't so very far away anymore!

Things to do in Chiang Mai...when you're smitten

I hadn't realised until my granddad pointed it out but I haven't actually updated this travel blog of mine since the fifth of October. A small eternity in the world of globe-trotting...

(Picture 1 - Meaw and experiencing the singular glee of riding an elephant across a raging river torrent...did I say glee? I meant quiet terror)

...but then again, I've not done much traveling, since rocking on up to the primo city of Lanna, Chiang Mai, once a country in it's own right before absorption into modern day Thailand.

Why? Huh! That's a story in itself. And, in the spirit of honesty, I'll blog it like a blog...er... rather than in email, because my foggies back home already know the jist, and it's just the rest of you lovelies, loners and undesirables who don't know what's going on. And may not even care! But I'm going to blog it anyway, for posterity's sake. (Picture 2 - A quick snap up the valley from the back of our own jumbo)

Thankfully, I've got some time to kill whilst my better half finishes work next door, kneading the kinks and knots from sweaty, hairy farangs' backs, legs and goodness knows what else! It's a fortunate thing I'm the understanding and supportive type, else a body might be prone to jealousy. Reports of myself glaring menacingly at passing potential customers who eye my sweetie with a lecherous eye are unfounded and probably exaggerated. Probably

But I'm getting well ahead of myself. When last most of you heard from out hero - that would be me - I had just arrived in Chiang Mai, having met a fine young lass here in Big CeeEmm, who I found charming, entertaining and more than a little pretty.

But what, I hear you ask, happened next? Weren't you supposed to be spending a few days in Chiang Mai, then returning to Koh Samui, to pick up the adorable Oh, before whisking her away to strange lands and stranger delights?

Er....well...that had been the plan, yes....

Needless to say, though, the plans of mice and men often go awry. Or something like that. I was too busy laughing at Steinbeck's hokum to remember the Burns quote in school.

So, here I am, still in Chiang Mai. I do actually plan to leave next week, not for Laos or Cambodia but rather the UK. Yet, once again, I get ahead of myself.

Now, you'll have to bear with me because the last two weeks have been something of euphoric and sleepless blur of wanton abandon, meaningful conversations and acts that are probably illegal in most civilised nations. And that was just at meal times!

When I left you, I was just back from taking Meaw out for the day, who at that point was a good friend who nonetheless filled me with feelings of glee, happiness and desire. At the time, I as merely greatful to have my mind taken off Oh, my island-dwelling poppit of the south.

(Picture 3 - An elephant brings the tools of his trade to the stage)

We spent the morning of the 5th of October riding elephants, as one does, after taking in an show that featured....elephants painting?! Yes, elephants painting an stacking logs and generally frolicking for a crowd of slack-jawed farangs, one rather terrified Meaw and myself, grinning both at her and the adorable hephalumps. The only thing separating the stage from the audience was a few solid logs...which would prove no obstacle to a rampaging grey menace. Thankfully, the beauties on show were interested only in reaching over the barrier for delicious treats of bananas and sugar cane.

(Picture 4 - An elephant...painting with a brush! Like a filthy farang tourist, I laughed with giddy and mildly retarded amazement. Oh, hypocrisy, thy name is Jamie!)

After this, with some persuasion by me, I managed to coax, cajole and push Meaw onto an elephant. Without further ado, we were off liketed mahout - were just happy to be rolling - and bumping and shuddering, where's the bloody suspension on this beast?! - through jungle, paddy and river, alike. Well, I and the elephant were. Meaw was filled with no small amount of fear, of the great beast beneath us, and the sight of it's inquisitive trunk reaching back toward us in hope of a banana or two was enough to send her squealing and hiding in the comforting depths of my armpit. I'd like to thank the FCUK corporation for their dedication to reducing and even eradicating human stink in even the most tropical and sweaty of climates.

(Picture 5 - This is actual a picture I took of the framed picture that Meaw bought that day. She looks great in it. The elephant looks great. Our man Mahout looks great. I look predictably terrible.)

Needless to say, with a generous tip, I had our man, Mahout (I forget his name, so Mahout will have to do), take plenty of pictures of us, as you can probably see if I've put the pictures up yet.
After being dropped off like lambs to the slaughter at an "authentic" hill tribe market, after an hour or so of leisurely and often painful riding, and after I had bought some trinkets for Oh, Meaw and I boarded an ox-drawn carriage that would have looked like some Britannian chariot were it not for the great frilly sun-umbrella atop it. I did learn from the ride back to the elephant camp that in order to drive cattle, all you really need is a long, pointy stick. This information will prove useful one day, mark my words!

(Picture 6 - An elephant roaring in rage! Oh no, our driver has run away! Save me, Jamie Meaw cries!..Ok, so the hephalump is actually just reaching back for the sugar cane in my lap but whatever, I'm a hero nonetheless, dammit!)

With Meaw grinning from ear to ear - this was her first day out in almost four years, since being reduced to a single mother, caring for not only her son but her poverty-stricken parents - and I in turn was beaming to have played some small part in that happiness, for truly her pleasure was something to behold and belove.

Oh! And went on a bamboo raft! I completely forgot about that.

(Pictures 7 and 8 - Chilling on the bamboo raft, poling down the river. Meaw had a go at it. I chickened out. The raft wasn't very stable, ok! I wasn't scared!)



















Later, after snagging another lift from Meaw's friend - or brother, as she calls her male friends. Guess what she calls her female aquaintances? - we cruised over to the next tourist trap; the snake farm! If you want snakes, ohhh, fuggetaboutit

(Picture 9 - A couple of king cobras poised to strike)

Or rather, lethargic, broken and probably dead snakes. There were hundreds of serpents at the place and most, sadly were in various states of dying and death. Only a few of the reptiles still showed signs of spirit. One of which was a rather large Burmese python which, were it not for some chicken wire, would have had me by the throat, when it lunged at me, as I leaned in for a closer look....and then leaned in once more...


(Picture 10 - The snake handler about to give a cobra a nice big kiss...yes, really)

Whilst peering into a pit of vipers that writhed most convincingly in the hot afternoon sun, Meaw and I heard the most terrifying sound a person can hear, when strolling around a snake farm. In my ear, I heard a hiisssssssss, so close I could feel the hot breath of wickedness on the back of my neck.

Meaw screamed. I shrieked. The snake-handler who had crept up behind us laughed, as only a Thai can, quickly followed by good-humoured Meaw and myself - now in need of new underwear. THe show was about to begin, he informed us.

What show? we asked.

The snake show, of course.

bobbing and playing with cobras - of the royal variety - swimming with pythons, clapping snakes to sleep and throwing the dreaded "jumping snake" - see, bit of rope - into the audience.

(Picture 11 - A particularly vicious looking tree snake! It's not poisonous, though)

All to the dubiously enthusiastic but nonetheless entertaining commentary of one of theWhat followed was a ten minute performance straight out of the Carny Book of Olde Timey Entertainments and Oddities. Snake handlers kissing cobras, twirling cobras, dancing and feather-haired announcer; "pow! Watch out snakeman! Oh very dangerous! OH kiss the snake, fall in love snakeman! WOW! Watch out snakeman! Etc! Etc!" and so on. I even got to pet the cobra, if only to impress Meaw with my bravery, quite safe in the belief that these serpents had long since had their fangs removed...

In order to prove their prowess, the snake handlers then milked the venom from the cobra, and I watched with some disquiet as the creature's teeth bit into the gauze of a jar, and milky liquid ran into the glass container. I'm sure it was just saliva, though...I'm sure the cobra's venom sac had long since been removed....probably...






Our final stop of the day - and with a sleepy Meaw seeking respite from the heat and tiring exploits of the day, in the comfort of my lap - was the monkey training school. It's the premier station of learning for our simian cousins wishing to enter the field of Law.

(Picture 12 and 13 - A monkey giving me the finger with one hand and waving to Meaw with the other. The same monkey about to make the three-pointer. The handler threw the ball to the monkey a bit hard after this, much to the monkey's annoyance, who promptly slammed it back in the face of the handler rather than going for the net. Epic.)


However, most of the students are trained for the fair more interesting field of coconut harvesting. I'm sure you'll remember - though probably not - my sighting on Koh Samui of an ape riding the back of a truck full of coconuts. Well, here was the place where Chiang Mai schooled it's own crop of farmers. I forget their names but I'm sure you can see from the pictures that the little poppits were adorable, like clapping seals or clicking dolphins. Yes, they were showmen, these monkies, almost certainly bored and driven insane by captivity...but they sure were funny, I'm ashamed to say.

(Picture 14 - A monkey riding a tricycle, whilst carrying a parasol. Naturally. The tourists lapped it up. I merely sat there fuming at the travesty against Mother Earth's treasured children. The slack-jawed grin on my face was merely for show. Honest)

At least I fed them some juicy tomatoes and carrots. I also discovered the Thai announcer had gone to school in none other than Cardiff University. That certainly blind sided me, though I had little time to chat, since Meaw's and my own bellies were growling at this point, having skipped the exorbitantly priced lunch buffet at the elephant camp (can you tell I was paying?). The pictures tell more than I could ever write, really, so I'll let them do the talking. As it stands, I need to be going, to pick up Meaw from work.

As I said, theres a lot to tell that has happened during my blogtastic hiatus. But it will have to wait for another day.

(Picture 15- Meaw and I getting our picture taken )

Goodnight all,

Jamie

x

It's not all grim up North (in Thailand, at least!)

Ah, Chiang Mai, City of Lights and Love...wait, no, that's not right. It's close enough, though. I will never forget Chiang Mai for all it has put me through, introduced me to and turned me into. It has forced me to face myself, to make hard choices, to judge myself.

Chiang Mai.

"It was the best of times, it was the worse of times."

Day 1.


****




So. Chiang Mai. First city of the northern provinces and once capital of the Lanna kingdom in times of antiquity.

The journey northwards was predictably tedious, by way of ferry, coach and two mercifully short stratospheric jumps by way of flying machines. I generally slept with my eyes open the whole time, drifting off into space and by strokes of luck shuffled about and aboard various mechanical moving contraptions at the allocated time.

The fact of the matter was, I missed Koh Samui. I was glad to see the back of the package holiday makers and all they bring or encourage to grow upon the pretty little isle but I was sorry to say goodbye to the people I had met there. Especially Oh.

Oh.

It took force of will and the physical laws of perpetual motion to keep me on the path to Chiang Mai, leaving her behind. We had known each other only a short time but there was an undeniable connection between us, made most evident by her pleas for me to stay and the cardiac arrest-like pain in my chest that swelled whenever I took one more step further away from her. I left because I needed to keep moving, to keep traveling before Koh Samui and it's bloated farang-oriented prices turned my bank account into an antedeluvian mummy.

But I also ran because I was more than a little anxious about the implications of my affections for Oh. Where would they lead? What would I do? What acts of insanity would I perform with, or indeed, for her? So, with a goodbye and a promise to return - which I intended to keep, and still do - soon, I walked away, with a heavy heart and a rather light wallet (scrounging up enough money for a taxi to the ferry provoked a little anxiety, as much as is medically possible for me, anyway).

And so, with the constant urge to run back to Samui traveling with me all the way, I arrived in Chiang Mai at about eleven o' clock at night. In my adled and emotional state, I had neglected to plan so far ahead as to book a room in Chiang Mai. Thankfully, I grabbed the nearest taxi driver outside the airport terminal, and instructed him to take me to the first dive in town that had clean beds and free rooms. After some searching and false starts, we eventually came to the concrete monolith of the Rux-Thai hotel and, after fumbling with my wallet for passport and cash, I stumbled up the stairs behind a limping and overburdened - with my big backpack - bellboy. Eight flights of stairs later, I arrived, tipped and crashed out on the bed with cliched enthusiasm. From what I had briefly seen, the room was spacious and comfortable in a bland kind of way. It had a bed, most importantly. It would do.

I was woken about 7AM by the sound of pattering feet, like buffalo fleeing savage Indians on the great plains. It was, of course, a mob of farangs, off on some day trip, chattering and stomping past my door with all the subtlety I have come to expect from my fellow foreigners.

My sleep pattern interrupted irrevocably and a taste of white man blood on my tongue, I readied for the day in the - WARM! Huzzah!- shower, clothed myself with as much enthusiasm as I could must, in one of Max - of Samui - the tailor's fine shirts, and headed downstairs, tipping a nod and a smile at the pretty receptionist. She smiled back with bland enthusiasm, and thus I knew that the Rux Thai was definitely not for me. I would be moving. Soon.

The primeval in me urged me out into the already hot streets - Chiang Mai is cooler, my arse, Goh! - in a hunt for food. After some searching (as much of the city had not awoken yet, obviously lacking farang alarm clocks) I found a place who were kind enough to slaughter my prey and suitably garnish it for me. I forget what I had for breakfast that day. I think it was fried prawns and egg fried rice. I suppose I should have looked for the breakfast section of the menu. It was good though, regardless of the hour.

A morning of lazy exploration on foot around the Old City - like Bangkok's Khao San area, only slightly less garish and gaudy and intoxicating...but not by much - I had a fine pita bread sandwich in a hole-in-the-wall cafe on a street I have failed to find again, before heading in the direction of the post office. I hoped. I had gifts and garbage and excess baggage in dire need of shipping back to the Old Folks Home.

I never got there, as I was accosted most politely by a tuk-tuk driver. A woman tuk-tukker, no less! Have you ever heard of such a rambunctious and outrageous thing before? Of course not. Introducing herself as Grandma Thip (as in tip) she offered to show me about the city. By the way, that's Grandma Thip in the picture with the tuk tuk. Not Oh, or Meaw. Meaw's the one with the basket of birds and the wrinkles, below!

(Grandma Thip with her tuk-tuk, Herbie (no, not really; no idea it's name) )

Every backpacker knows - or should know - there is more than meets the eye, to such offers, even those made by wise-cracking old madams like Thip. They show you the sights, guide you around some wats if they're really good - which Thip was - and then show the delights of Eastern handicrafts. Paperworking, such as fans and umbrellas. Silk weaving. And, of course, a visit to a jewelry store where their dubiously genuine products are set at prices well in the range of even the poorest farang.

(The steps to the temple somethingsomething in Chiang Mai. It was the original home to the hallowed jade Buddha I talked about in an earlier blog until the king of Siam took it south to the capital, according to Thip)

I knew Thip would do this, and she did but I went along anyway because she spoke conversational English, had a razor sharp wit and had the Union Jack on her T-shirt. So what if she tried to pass me around some locals stores like prison cigarrettes? No one was going to force me to buy anything and considering what tuk-tukkers make, her enthusiasm to pawn me off was understandable. She made me laugh along the way with her anecdotes and insights and that was worth the entrance fee alone.

Thip, once married to a Dane and living in Denmark, is a short pug of a woman - in the nicest way possible - with short spiky hair you might see in an eighties music video by Blondie. A chain-smoking, hard-drinking - but not Chang, apparently! - and hard gambling grandma of some fifty sons, Thip knew everybody and knew everything in Chiang Mai and beyond.

(A woman who sold me good fortune in a basket of fluttering little birds. I did the same again today at a temple, with Meaw)

I had a thoroughly enjoyable first day in Chiang Mai because of her and she allowed me to draw my thoughts away from Oh for a little while. Assuming she got some small commision, I even bought a cheap pendant and ankle bracelet for Oh, a painted fan for Ma back home - or, if grovelling is needed in future, for Oh - and some other things that escape me at the moment. Trinkets. Tourist crap. The works. Getting it all for about fifteen quid - and a hefty four pound thank you for a gobsmacked Thip - seemed like a fine exchange for an afternoon of idle wandering in the smog-choked back of a speeding, grinding, grumbling tuk-tuk around the mind-boggling streets of Chiang Mai.

By the way, I set free a wicker basket of birds for the family. Apparently, it should bring you all good luck. So, when you all win the lottery, you'll know why and I expect to be duly compensated, or at the very least reimbursed the hundred baht it cost to free the poor avian captives.

Saying fair well to Thip - but not before she hawked me off on her tailor brother - I made for my concrete cell in the Rux-Thai, stripping down, showering off the sweat and grime of the city - cleaner than BK, mind you - and promptly losing consciousness on the bed, nude for all the geckos to see.

Waking about 6pm, I followed my stomach in search of food - but not before remembering to put some clothes on, thankfully for all concerned. For the life of me, I cannot remember where I ate but, like all Thai food, I'm sure it was very good. My thirst for drink needed sating next, so I wandered about, gently pushing away the pawing bar girls as I searched for an upstanding establishment befitting an English gentleman looking to get royally pissed, or at the very least, quietly inebriated.

Just when I was beginning to give up hope, I spotted a restaurant named the Olde Bell. Out front a strikingly beautiful and elegant Thai woman - who's name I would know as Koi, as she proved to be my sympathetic ear in the evenings to come - beckoned me in. Growing thirstier by the minute, I conceded defeat and walked through the door....

...into the middle of a very English pub with a very English pub quiz going on, complete with Northern quiz master and grey-haired players sat about the tables. Assuming I had stumbled through an rift in the space time continuum, fixed between Chiang Mai, Thailand and Attleborough, Norfolk, I turned about, half expecting to see sunshine pouring through the door behind me.

But no, it was still dark, and Koi was still standing there, grinning and ushering me inside. Remarkable.

More remarkable than that, though, is that they had Chang beer on tap, levied up in good, honest pint glasses. Two of these, and a lightweight such as myself will be appropriately blasted, wasted and otherwise intoxicated, especially on all my medication. Thankfully, I know when to stop...except when troubled by that most alluring and exasperating of creatures, the Thai female. Needless to say, last night I passed out in front of Meaw's place, whilst she flannelled my neck - when she wasn't glaring disapprovingly at me - and the aging beauty who persists in giving me free hand massages worked her magic on my sleeping limbs. I think. It's all rather blurred, and certainly a tale for another time.

Where was I? Oh, yes, and English pub in Chiang Mai. After downing my pint and agreeing that that was more than enough, I wandered back down the road, intent on going home. Fortunately, I did not for this is when I met the wonderful Meaw, a particularly adept masseuse, an prolific talker of all things under the Sun in her peculiar and endearing English, and now a good friend. Assuming she has not disowned me after last night, but I digress.

(The pictures here abouts are of the massage parlour gals. Well, the older ones. Unsurprisingly, the younger ones are in high demand. Filthy farangs. Oh, and Meaw is outside because I scare off any creeps coming to her for massage. I am now banned from sitting out front, by her, unless it feeding time. She has to make a living, after all and only a few of the male customers are lecherous. But I digress! The one with my glasses is a masseuse and master herbalist. She makes the stuff for the herbal massages. I bought some from her, for Oh. The aging beauty with the rose behind her ear is a real minx called Peah, who gives me freebies and acts as my chaperone home, when I'm drunk and depressed with the women in my life. She's also constantly trying to seduce me and offering me an oil massage. I imagine she's even better at it than Meaw and Oh combined, thanks to her experience. I may take her up on the offer before I leave. She's the tiny Thai woman protecting a big farang from the mean midnight streets of Chiang Mai. Bizarre! The sad looking lady in grey is ladyboy I believe, or a very butch woman. She's very nice but terribly unsure of herself. Meaw is the one stuffing her face with honey roasted peanuts. More on her in later blogs. )

After an oil massage that reminded me painfully of Oh back on Ko Samui, and with much banter and only mildly flirtatious talk, we finished up, closed shop - it was about 12.30AM at this point, and headed out to get some supper together. This involved hair-raising ride on the back of Meaw's motorcycle for me, knuckles as white as my porcelain backside, as Meaw pointed out.

After many threats to drop me off amidst groups of loitering ladyboys, we stopped at a noodle stand and tucked in. Well, she did. I battled valiantly and lost all with chopsticks, tofu - I think... - strange floating grey stuff and, of course, noodles. Meaw was suitably amused by my chopstick skills, declaring that I was as proficient as a three year old. She then proceeded to talk my ear off about what it is to be Meaw. She talked of her life as a masseuse, after her husband died. She talked of her son, who lived far away with her parents, that he might have someone who can care for him, whilst she works to feed and clothe him. She talked of her faith, and nightly visits to a temple, where she prays and wishes good fortune upon her son and her parents. I asked her if she is happy - for there is undeniable sadness and seriousness in her eyes, which her constant laughter lacks - and she replied that she is happy if she can provide for her family. It is an answer I had heard before, from Oh. Happiness in the heart of Thais is very different from that in the heart of Westerners.

Nonetheless, I was determined to give Meaw a day to be happy. That, however, is another story.


(Said day on which she was made happy. I hope. I think. Tune in next time for the full update, fans! Fans? Hello?)


After finishing out supper - well, she did, I just ate the big lumpy bits and pushed the noodles around the bowl somewhat dejectedly - she took me back to my hotel, once more bombing along the early morning streets of Chiang Mai and once more hanging me out before the ladyboys and bar girls like a particularly tasty piece of white meat, before shooting off amidst a howl of laughter from her and sigh of relief from me.

Finding my hotel proved somewhat troublesome, as I had no real idea where it was besides a vague sixth sense that it was that way.

Half an hour later, with much backtracking, laughter and head scratching, I bid her farewell at my door and wished a safe journey back to her own room.

That's about it for day one in Chiang Mai. I'll write up day two - not much happened in daytime - and three maybe later today, or tomorrow.

I hope you're all doing well and are staying out of trouble.

Lots of love, as always,

Jamie

x

Oh, and for those of you desperate for closure, no I haven't gotten to the post office yet. Dun dun duuuuuunnnn. Anyone got their postcards yet?